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Through the fire, Through the rain, Through the storms, and Through the pain
i have been through alot these past four months. i wish i could say i feel better, and i wish i could say i am over it, but the truth is its probably not going to change. for the first time in my life i have loved somebody with 1 Corinthians 13 love (as close as humans can get at least). it has taught me so much, and caused me so much pain, but through that it has helped me realize how God truly feels about me. every night that i cant go to sleep because my arms and heart feel empty i realize that this is how God feels about me times 1000! my longing for her gives me a perspective of His longing for me (not that it can be fully realized in this world). knowing what it feels like to make decisions that benefit the one you love even when it breaks your heart to do it and knowing that God makes those for me! these are things that i couldn’t have learned through a sermon, or through words. these are things that you can only experience.
it amazes me to see where God has brought me because of everything that happened. He does the best job of taking the destruction of the enemy and turning it into beauty. and i know that His will is infinitely greater than mine. i struggled for the longest time praying for God to take these emotions away. i know some people that have prayed that prayer and God took away their affections for somebody they weren’t supposed to be with, and i know some people that haven’t had that prayer answered. i know that God has not answered mine for a reason. i dont claim to know the full reason, but i do know that God has a purpose and a plan for these emotions and He is not putting me through this for nothing. i do know that my relationship with LeAnn started out in Gods will and with Him as our foundation, and it was our fault for not keeping that way. we took something that God had for us and took it into our own hands, and we payed dearly for it. is there a possibility for reconciliation? i dont know and i am not foolish enough to make any assumptions of my own on that matter. i know not to trust my heart with things that it wants more than anything, therefore i have learned to just lean on my Father. He knows the desires of my heart, and He knows which ones to fulfill and how to fulfill those that He choses completely.
i have come to a place in my prayer life where i stop asking why, and i stop asking for what i want to happen and i ask simply for His will to be done. i have grown sick and tired of my fallacitical reasonings and my own human nature, and i have come to a place where i wont trust myself with the direction of my life. all i have is God, all i want is God, and all i will pursue is God. that is where i am right now and that is all i will ever strive for.
so thats where i am, and for some reason i have alot of comfort in that. alot of people i know are always fearing about what God will do, or are frustrated when their prayers aren’t answered, but God has shown me that He is faithful and what ever He does is always the best option. alot of the time people are uncomfortable with what God is doing, not that they are against it, but that it agitates them and puts them somewhere that they dont like. but we have to get to a point where those little seeds of fear and being uncomfortable dont take root, because what they really are is seeds of discontentment and seeds of distrust.
does God have me in a painful place right now? yes its very painful but God is using it to squeeze every bit of me out of me as He can, and because of that i have more comfort in this pain that you can ever imagine
